Well. I'm on auto again. I'm pretty sure I want to stay there for a while. Being numb would be great. Every time I stop pretending I'm having a fun and great time, I realize how much my life really does suck. I'm too scared all the time. I fear letting go. I fear not knowing. I fear being pushed. I fear screwing up, but I keep screwing up. I'm sick of having words shoved down my throat. The friends I've got are great but I've lost too many ties. I don't do anything about it though. I've managed to stay pretty un-feeling about a lot lately, except for random notes I compulsively put on my phone for no one's eyes but my own. I'm sick of being left out. "Be aware it's just your mind, you can stop it anytime." Well. Time's now. Carrie needs to be re-found. And Carrie's the one who needs to do it.